Together Apart: When the Cost of Living Forces Couples to Stay Under One Roof

Across Australia, the cost-of-living crisis and housing shortage have quietly reshaped intimate relationships. For many couples, separation is no longer a straightforward emotional decision it’s a financial impossibility. Increasingly, people find themselves emotionally separated but physically co-habiting, sharing a roof not out of choice, but necessity.

As a Counsellor I’m seeing a rise in couples who describe themselves as “together but not really” no longer romantically connected, sometimes no longer safe emotionally, yet unable to afford two households. This reality carries significant psychological, relational, and developmental impacts for adults and children alike.

The Hidden Emotional Toll

Being forced to remain in a relationship that no longer meets your needs can create a unique kind of distress. Many clients report:

• Chronic tension and hypervigilance

• Feelings of entrapment, resentment, or grief

• Emotional shutdown or numbness

• Increased conflict or, conversely, total emotional disengagement

• Shame about “failing”

  
  

When couples cannot separate physically, the nervous system stays in a state of alert. There is no space to emotionally recalibrate, grieve the relationship, or establish a sense of safety and autonomy.

For some, this situation can escalate into emotional harm or coercive dynamics particularly when one partner controls finances, housing, or decision-making. It’s important to say clearly: financial dependence can be a form of vulnerability, even in the absence of overt abuse.

Why This Is Happening More Now

In Australia, several intersecting pressures are contributing to this phenomenon:

• Soaring rental prices and limited availability

• High interest rates and mortgage stress

• Inadequate income support relative to housing costs

• Delays and costs associated with legal separation or divorce

• Parenting responsibilities that complicate relocation

For many couples, the question is no longer “Do we want to stay together?” but “How would we survive if we didn’t?”

Living Together While Separated: Strategies That May Help

While this situation is far from ideal, there are ways to reduce harm and increase emotional safety during a forced co-habitation period.

1. Name the Reality (Safely)

Avoiding the truth often intensifies distress. Where it is safe to do so, acknowledging that the relationship has changed can reduce confusion and false hope.

This might sound like:

“We are not functioning as a couple right now, but we are sharing space while we work out next steps.”

Clear naming helps establish psychological boundaries, even when physical ones are limited.

2. Create Micro-Boundaries

When full separation isn’t possible, small, consistent boundaries matter:

• Separate bedrooms if feasible

• Agreed-upon times for shared spaces

• Limits around emotional labour (e.g. not processing relationship issues daily)

• Clear agreements around parenting roles

Boundaries are not about punishment they are about protecting mental health.

3. Shift the Goal from “Fixing” to “Stabilising”

Not all couples in this position need to repair the relationship. Sometimes the healthiest goal is short-term emotional stability while planning for eventual separation.

This reframing can reduce pressure and conflict:

• You don’t need to resolve everything now

• You do need to minimise harm

4. Seek Individual Support

Individual counselling can be crucial when joint decisions are constrained. A counsellor can help with:

• Emotional regulation and coping strategies

• Safety planning (emotional or practical)

• Rebuilding a sense of self

• Planning realistic exit options over time

5. Focus on Future Agency

Feeling trapped often comes from a loss of perceived choice. Even small steps can restore agency:

• Quietly building financial literacy

• Researching housing options without pressure to act immediately

• Setting medium-term goals (6–18 months)

• Identifying support networks

Hope doesn’t require immediate change it requires a sense that change is possible.

For Parents in This Situation

Children are highly sensitive to emotional climates. Even when parents believe they are “shielding” them, ongoing tension can be felt.

Helpful principles include:

• Reducing exposure to conflict

• Avoiding triangulation or emotional dumping

• Maintaining predictable routines

• Reassuring children that adult issues are not their responsibility

Sometimes, staying under one roof temporarily can be less disruptive than chaotic separation but only if emotional safety is prioritised.

If you are living with someone you no longer wish to be partnered with, this is not a personal failure. It is a reflection of broader economic pressures intersecting with deeply human needs for safety, dignity, and stability.

You are allowed to grieve the relationship you thought you would leave differently. You are allowed to move slowly. And you are allowed to seek support even if nothing can change immediately.

As counsellors, our role is not to push people toward decisions they cannot yet make, but to help them stay emotionally intact while they find their way forward